me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
All set.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink