[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.