[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night