Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
this post was so formative to me
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve