My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey