Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
WTF
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”