If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.