Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My typo game is string.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.