One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.