Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun