I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.