Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.