My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.