[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later