Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
this is literally a CIA plant
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.