Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Good morning, Twitter x
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Beards are a privilege, not a right