not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
pls suprot
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.