Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step