[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.