Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
my dad has had enough
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.