Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive