10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.