Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant