[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.