My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?