Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
This bar smells like my childhood.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.