When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
HERE’S MARKY
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
What kind of a cult is this?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300