i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them