Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.