I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Shark week, but for squirrels.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
how was your vacation
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.