My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
BRO LMFAO
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
why no one uses midhusbands
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Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”