can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I really had high hopes for this year though
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
The best plant holders?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
How dude HOW?!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.