GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”