Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
You Might Also Like
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
incredible
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.