9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
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😂 amazing answer
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.