If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
True freaking story!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.