I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired