One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.