Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this