If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes