Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.