Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
What is going on? 😅
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?