Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I love you to the refrigerator and back