This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though