Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.