The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?