My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
🤣🤣
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food