Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.