I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Stop.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this