Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees